Married Monday: Social Media and Your Marriage

   

   Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest and Instagram are all social media and most everyone has an account on at least one of them.  71% of all adults online use Facebook,  23% use Twitter, 26% are on Instagram and 28% are using Pinterest.  That is a lot of time that people are spending looking at others people’s lives from the computer screen.  Facebook is sited by name as a reason on 20% of divorce petitions. Why is this? I personally believe is that many people cannot understand that just because you’re behind your computer screen does not mean you can do whatever you want, they don’t see it as real life.  I will focus mostly on Facebook because it in general is where the most problems lie but this can all be true for any form of social media.

Reasons Why Social Media Can Be Harmful to Marriage and How to Avoid Them

   Spending too much time on it: If it is the first thing you check when you wake up. You’re on it all day. If you begin to be more interested in what is happening online then your spouse and family. These are all problem causing behaviors. Why? Because you are checking out of reality and living online, we all need to be present in what is going on around us. Spending your life online will not do any benefits to your marriage.

   Solution: Make a schedule of when you will spend your time online. It will fill however long you give it. So think of a reasonable amount of time and appropriate times that you can be on. This is my biggest trouble in social media I could spend all day on it and lose focus on things I need to do. So I set times that I get on and I get what I need done for  this blog then some fun time, and then I make myself get off so I can get whatever work I need to done.

   Friending people of the opposite sex that your spouse doesn’t know:  If you have a coworker that is a man and your husband has not met him and you add him to Facebook or Instagram, he probably won’t like it or at least will ask who he is.  You already see him at work all day, do you need to know his personal life? If you haven’t introduced him to your husband then you are in a professional relationship. There is no reason to add any temptation of crossing the line.

   Soultion: DON’T Add anyone of the opposite sex unless it is a mutual friend

   Friending Exes : Just by reading that you should be saying DUH. Well some people don’t think about it. Since I married my high school boyfriend, I had all my past boyfriends on there mostly because they were there before I dated  them, and I don’t clean out my friends list often. But after some thinking before writing this post I went and deleted them all. Why? Because I don’t plan to talk to them and I don’t need to be keeping up with their lives. Facebook has this way of connecting you with old friends, even exes, say your marriage is going through a rough time and your angry, it is way too easy to go and send a message bashing your spouse, or even just flirting. This can be the beginning to an emotional affair and is easy to eliminate before it starts. 

   Solution: To be safe even if your spouse doesn’t mind go remove your exes, flings, hook ups, and any temptations that are on your friends list, or followers.

   Sharing to much: TMI in person is nothing compared to the overshare that people thing is fine online. I promise you NO one wants to know everything you’re doing every day (plus its dangerous to share that info!) Now I will say I used to update my status like 10 times a day with useless stuff, I was young, but now I see that it is so annoying. Over sharing things about your spouse, even pictures, like that he doesn’t put his underwear where it goes, that he has now ate his 8^th taco, or that he is playing another game or whatever you tend to share. These can all hurt your marriage, he probably doesn’t want the world to know these things, and they probably don’t want to know. 

   Solution: Make sure any pictures or personal information you want to put out there you get permission first. Also if you find your posting constantly little bits of information about your marriage or spouse your friends would probably appreciate it if you would stop. Also don’t post something embarrassing for them, you are supposed to be one so why embarrass yourself.

   Bashing: I have said this about talking about your spouse and marriage to others as well, you should never ever ever no matter how mad you are say something hurtful, negative, or embarrassing online about them. What you put out can never be taken back. I don’t care if he told you your cooking was terrible or broke your favorite cup or anything worse, I don’t care. You do not say negative things about it online. Because this shows people that you are divided, this gives them a place to hurt your marriage. Also because once you forgive them and forget about it, your friends and family wont, they don’t know what happens behind closed doors. They will stay mad and the more it happens the more your family will dislike your spouse, and that is just not fair.

   Solution: On social media always be positive about your marriage and spouse. It’s like we were told as kids “If you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything.”

   Hiding things from your spouse: Closing the computer or browser if they unexpectedly walk in, not sharing your passwords, not letting them see if they ask to see something. If you are doing something that you would not like them to see then you are doing something wrong. Do you think they would be upset if they saw you last message, if you say yes then you need to reevaluate what you are doing. Unless you are doing something that is a surprise for your spouse then is the only time that it is ok to hide your conversations.  .

   Solution: Here I think is where the biggest problems occur. You have to have complete trust in your marriage and if you aren’t willing to give over your passwords some kind of trust issue is happening. Keeping secrets from your spouse is when marriages start breaking down. Be open with what you’re doing. Share whatever they ask to see and they will never have a reason to not trust you.

   Temptations:  The internet in general gives us the ability to see more things then older generations could, to talk to people from 5 states away or two houses down and no one know if we don’t want them to, it makes it easy to look up anything that may pop into our minds. On social media you can friend someone you know that may not have the same value system as you, they could start to “like” and share  pages, pictures, or videos that you otherwise would not have seen. Say your friend is a fitness trainer and she shares pictures everyday of her after or before a work out in only a bra and shorts, then your husband looks at your profile and sees these pictures. This is a temptation to some men and even women, they are tempted to see more or it may make them want to go look up other ways to see similar pictures.

    Solution: I would recommend if either you or your spouse have friends like this and a tendency to be tempted  remove them or “unfollow” them so you don’t have to see these types of thing.

    Becoming less satisfied with your life because of others posts: Spending all day online watching what someone is sharing as their life and you become jealous. You wish that your life was as perfect, your kids would pose for pictures that well, or your house was as pretty as theirs. Feeling this way is actually a term now it is called “Facebook Jealousy” and it can be a real problem both for you and your marriage. Constantly comparing to someone else’s show of their life is not healthy and you will never be satisfied. For one reason they are only sharing the good parts and another is your life will never be theirs because you’re not them.  Comparing can ruin your marriage because your setting expectations for your spouse that are probably unreachable.

   Solution: Be happy with the life you live. Love what God has given you. If this is a struggle for you unfollow the people that make you feel this way for as long as you need. Until you can see what they are posting and not feel the need to have a life like theirs. I will discuss comparing more in a post within the next week that will go deeper into the problems it can cause.

   In my opinion those are the biggest hurdles that social media can cause in your marriage. Some of these may not apply to you and that’s ok. It is good to be aware of the problems that could occur so you can be proactive in avoiding them. Marriage is tough enough as it is, let’s not let popular websites make it more difficult. If these do apply to you I hope some of these suggestions help you start solveing some problems.

   As always I am here to listen to you or pray for you or even with you about your marriage.  I would love to hear your thoughts about social media and marriage in the comments below. Have a great week!